The (Lack of) Courage behind Confident Judgment

He spoke fluently, making his case on a research topic. There were many people who watched as the case for the research was made. I jotted down some pointers, all the while thinking what a phenomenal effort this presenter had put in – yet, somewhere I knew that I did not agree with the approach nor the context of their research proposed. I didn't admit this to myself openly, not even in my own mind. I felt that my thoughts were probably not ‘correct’, because this was a distinguished professor, who I respect very much.

I thought I might be too shallow to truly know the context. I wasn't ready to evaluate it. 

I didn't think of it much as I hurried to my next activity. I probably did what most people do when they are denying that subtle intuition – and turned away to get busy with the rest of my day. When I later spoke to the professor, he mentioned that a colleague he esteemed very highly said that it was a phenomenal effort, yet the person did not agree with the approach of the topic and gave some very valid reasons for it.  

Of course! There it was – relief of thinking that I did have a valid point to something I didn't even acknowledge for the fear of sounding silly to myself. 

It intrigues me that someone more distinguished can make such important claims, but I doubt the same judgment that comes from me because I am not ‘established’. Of course I would not communicate these thoughts to the presenter, because it is not my place to do so – but I could have at least acknowledged it to myself. 

It was a lesson in confidence. 

Next time I am busy gulping down water to forget the instinct that tries to drown out my judgment, I want to look closer. Perhaps I will come out a fool for not knowing better – and learn something, but pretending to agree because of authority structures is just weak integrity to oneself.