Immersion

When you are immersed in something and are driven by something, you feel the presence of it in yourself and in your bones all the time. That sense never leaves you. You think about it without thinking about it. Your every action is somehow colored by that desire, that longing - something that you can't get rid of, like cigarette stench. It becomes who you are, because you are in deep meditation. This is the thing that makes you a spear from a human being. A spear of cause. This is your purpose and it knows no bounds.

Thoughts on Editing

Editing is not just mechanical. It is something to think about which is above and beyond the work that is done. It is the asking of the questions: Is this the best work that can be done? What is missing? What is in excess? Is the essence of the work alright? Who voice is this? What about the words? Which one fit just right? Does it flow? Does it make sense? 

It is a nagging and critical sense that one has to look at the work with - which is not a pleasant state to be in. One must go paragraph through paragraph - not just the grammar but the structure and the concept and the essence. One must truly mull over philosophically and practically and obsessively till the writing flows.

The craft of writing is not complete without the perfect amalgamation of words and how it is said. The excess of words spoils it like too much milk in coffee. In times of editing, I realize how excruciating this work is, yet I can see dust turn into gold. I can feel the alchemy happening, and each word seems almost insufferable. 

Blown Leaves

Blown leaves

On one side of the tree 

Below my varanda

Is it procrastination

Or a ritual in preparation?

How Serious are you Seriously?

Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line (Music)

Lyrics:

Wait in line

'Till your time

Ticking clock

Everyone stop

Everyone's saying different things to me

Different things to me

Everyone's saying different things to me

Different things to me

Woooohh

Do you believe

In what you see

There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe

In what you see

Motionless wheel

Nothing is real

Wasting my time

In the waiting line

Do you believe in

What you see

Nine to five

Living lies

Everyday

Stealing time

Everyone's taking everything they can

Everything they can

Everyone's taking everything they can

Everything they can

Woooohh

Do you believe

In what you feel

It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe

In what you see

Motionless wheel

Nothing is real

Wasting my time

In the waiting line

Do you believe

In what you see

Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream

But I'd rather not have seen

And i'll hide away for another day

Do you believe

In what you see

Motionless wheel

Nothing is real

Wasting my time

In the waiting line

Do you believe

In what you see

Everyone's saying different things to me

Different things to me

Different things to me

Different things to me

Different things to me

Everyone's taking everything they can

Everything they can

Thoughts of Leaving

I want to leave

Work on my desk

Unfinished

Abandoning it

Like the ease of which it

Abandons me

How wonderful it would be

If I could walk away

To teach it a lesson

Of being kinder to me

To be here 

Spending hours 

Trying to sculpt something

Meaningful

Yet

I feel like it's all useless

And want very much to

Leave

The Difference of a Letter

Death, a sort of ending

Depth, a kind of yearning

The words have a one letter

Difference

Could it be that

They are not at all

That separate? 

Jar of Questions

I am a collector of questions
Which have no answers
Or perhaps they are always changing
And are not rooted in any certainty

It's a mess
My jar of questions
It's sticky and sometimes
It smells

I could toss them away -
But if I did
I would lose
The most precious thing I had.

The Theory of Everything: The Movie

Genre: Drama
Directed By:James Marsh
Written By:Anthony McCarten
In Theaters:Nov 7, 2014 Limited
Box Office:$2.8M
Runtime:2 hr. 3 min

This movie is very well made, and even though it has a dreamy quality to it, captures the realities of being in a difficult marriage due to prolonged health issues. It is a story of Jane and Stephen Hawking and their marriage. When we think of Stephen Hawking, we normally think of his intellectual brilliance and his research on the theory of the black holes. We never get to venture into his living room (and bedroom) to see how such a person lived. Here's a movie that gives you that glimpse.

It's a hard place to be, and the movie has captured that difficulty and the humanness in the face of that difficulty with a lot of grace. You can see both Jane's and Stephen's sides in the story without having to take anyone's side. And moreover, it makes you look at marital problems with a broadness and depth than you perhaps did before. It shows how a life, as hard as it might have been, can be looked at from a place of having lived so deeply with a broad range of emotions. It's not always bleak, nor is it always joyous.

I came out of the movie theater thinking - it's not fair to judge lives. It surpasses the quality of being judged because it cannot be measured. How can something immeasurable be judged? How one lives, what their meanings and reasons are, is so abstract  - that our capacity to measure breaks down. It can only be felt and experienced fully (or how much ever is in one's capacity through one's own lens). Our realities are so subjectively different - that any form of measurement will be a failure of understanding - and moreover, a failure at being a true witness to what is.

Whiplash: The Movie

Genre: Drama

Written and Directed By:Damien Chazelle

Stars: Miles Teller, J.K. Simmons, Melissa Benoist

In Theaters:Oct 10, 2014 Limited

Box Office:$3.2M

Runtime: 1 hr 46 min

This movie is incredible. Simmons, as the music teacher and Teller, as the student; and their collective performances are outstanding. It is about how a music teacher treats music school as a military camp, and a student who is just as ambitious as the teacher himself. Their dynamic holds enough tension to suck you into the movie as if you were part of it.

This is an experience. Go watch!

Mind Dump for Mind Vomit (It's not how it sounds)

Calling all people who get frequently overwhelmed!

This is a technique that I stumbled upon - and it works well. Imagine you are at work and are really overwhelmed and can't switch off. Or that you are trying to get something really important done but other things keep your brain space low - and productivity suffers. The idea is that you write down everything that's on your mind - worries, to-do items, questions in one piece of paper. Write with speed and do it non-stop for 5 minutes. Look at it as mind vomit.

The idea is that everything is now out onto that piece of paper. You can worry about it later, when you have the time - but now is not that time.

Your mind is now empty. Go do what needs to be done without the burden of holding it all in, and having to not be present.

Life's not going to let you be less stressed. Accept that. There's a lot to do - but at least we can claim how our 'now' can turn out' instead of missing out on it. Now is really all we've got. A perfect time is never 'here', so you make it good enough for you. And you'll see that it is, in fact, perfect. Just not in the way you thought it would be. 

Breakfast Place does it Right

There is a breakfast place very close to my apartment. I go there often. It's one of the best places for breakfast in the city, yet - I couldn't figure out why that would be. There's no real place to sit. The item variety is small and it's just a regular donuts shop - yet year after year it's been ranked highly.

Why?

Because they make their pastries and donuts fresh everyday. Every bite is fluffy and delicious. It's home-made quality comes through. Even though the variety is small, every item is done well.

Because their coffee is amazing - and they have French Vanilla and Hazel Nut Creamers as an option. Any coffee drinker can tell you coffee can make (good coffee) or break (bad coffee) their day.

What else does one need for breakfast? These unassuming 'small' things make them stand out when there are so many other places to choose from. They know what they do well, and keep doing it. There's no identity crisis here; just the remaining sweet spot from working hard for so many years. 

Pace It Right (For YOU)

Yesterday I did a ton of work. After dinner - I wanted to go on. It occurred to me that I was still not satisfied, even though I got much more done than I expected. That will always be the case.

So I watched a show and went to bed. 

Why didn't I go on?

Because the following day I would need to do it all over again, and the pent up energy would all come out on the page with great momentum. 

Productivity is not about killing yourself doing something (though it works for some people). For me, it's about doing things in the right proportion; 80/20. Meaning 80% productivity, 20% letting go and living life.

Without the extra 20% of letting go, the imbalance increases and it all topples over, so that it's a temporary state of getting a lot done which is unsustainable. What is the point of that, a one-hit wonder?

Start at One

Break it down,

Start at one.

The Irony of Freedom

Caught between wanting to do 

And doing

I fret

I am flustered

Wanting to be free

From doing

The undone

From thinking

What is needed

And that I might not have

Enough to give

It's all fair game

Of resistance and acceptance

A conflict of interest

Between your work

And play

Freedom is placed in choice

Where walking away is an option

But you don't want to

Freedom is not really free

When Words Don't Speak

For years I had been a huge advocate of words. Words could solve everything.

But now I know they cannot.

I have learnt that internal waiting works. And authentic doing works even better.

Words fall to the wayside, when silence rises to the occasion and makes the meanings heard.

Fog

Sometimes it's hard to conceptualize or understand what we are going through - when we are in the midst of something. It might seem unreal and an awkward position to be. I find myself in such mental spaces often.

There's not much you can do, because the lesson lies somewhere at the end of the journey.

I have fretted over these 'in-between' times. I have struggled and knocked on doors and asked questions - and the answer has never come up for me; because it wasn't time for it

I have come to know that there are many ways to go about it, and the easiest way usually only prolongs the arriving to the place of knowing.

What can one do?

Act with the most integrity they can muster, even if it's really, really, really hard. Take that leap of faith into the integrity of that path. Usually this path consists of unfamiliarity and asks for one to be vulnerable and take that risk.

Everything starts to make sense eventually. The answers come pouring out.

And then it all depends on if you are willing to listen completely, without your ego steering you away from that truth. The one you need to know so badly. 

Productive Breaks, Productive Leisure Time: An Ode to Multi-Tasking

Let's face it, multi-tasking has got a bad rap in our society, and not wrongly so. As people scurry of trying to do too many things at one time - productivity comes in doses of frenzied nerves. That's not cool.

But perhaps there's more to it than meets the eye. Multi-tasking while working on a book, for example, is a terrible idea. You need to be there completely - immersed in creating. Checking Facebook, or mails at that time will get in the way of actually thinking and writing your book.

But what about when you are not doing such a creative, all-immersing activity? For example, watching the news/show - do you need 100% focus on it? Or could you, during that time, be folding up the clothes or cutting up vegetables for dinner to make life more spacious?

Let's take another example; if you use public transport, then catch up on reading, or getting in touch with someone you have been meaning to call, or even jotting down points for your book. You have to be perceptive of what needs to get done trough creative maneuvering. It's like doing yoga - you stretch and fold and muscles you didn't even know existed get activated. You create space in you body and mind.

Another example?

While waiting in line - it's hard to talk on the phone or jot down points. What you can do is - use your phone to message instead or create your to-do list or set up a meeting with a friend or read the news or think of the book you are writing, just think - you never know when an idea will come out and grab you.

We have conveniences that our ancestors didn't. Internet, the phone, information at the tip of our fingertips.

And you might be wondering where 'relaxing' fits into this. Well - relaxing is a productive activity! It's productive because it's used for recharging the self. So, if while standing in that line - you need to take time-out, then zone out and relax - breath, stretch, smile, think absolutely nothing (whatever works for you).

Multi-tasking is a time-creating method when you are doing activities that don't need all your focus (unlike what the image suggests). The brain juice is available for your flexible use. There's a time to single-task, and a time to divide attention up with a pleasurable activity and a chore.

The reason for writing this is because we don't have unlimited time. As much as we want to believe we will get it all done, one task at a time - 24 hours is all we've got; with some long hours and some short ones. Time is elastic.

Stressed OUT

I can almost feel the frizziness of my nerves. They crackle with attempted reception of electric impulses. I know that this isn't the right way to be in the moment, but sometimes it's the only way. Especially because everything seems to be happening all at once and tugging at attention. Deadlines are looking sternly at me.  

It's alright. It's all a part of it. 

All I feel like is being critical of myself. Oh, how I could have done this better. And that. And that other thing. I must remember to be kind to myself. 

This day will be over before I know it. Let me live fully this day of frazzled nerves. I will get time to sooth them in the evening. 

I also have to figure out where to fit my large, large, large sense of gratitude today. 

Dear Junk Food

Dear Junk Food,

I have been in a torrid affair with you ever since I knew you. I just wanted to say that I can't do this anymore. Your want for me is unhealthy. You possess me - coerce me into doing things I don't want to do. You know what I mean. I have been in this obsessive relationship and have come to realize I am not myself anymore.

There's so much that I have loved about our relationship. You're always available, satisfy me immediately (that has been mind-blowing) and you have never let me go hungry. But being with you is such an energy drain. The toxicity you bring into my body is not good for me. All I wanted to do was be happy with you - but after meeting you I am usually hit with a sugar high that then turns into a crash very quickly. It's simply not working out. I can't keep this up.

You have to go. I forbid you to come into the house ever again. I will get a retraining order of I have to, but after all we've been through, I am hoping you will respect my wishes so I do not have to take drastic measures.

Sincerely,
Ex-Junkie

Stinky Tofu

I have been misunderstood very often. I wanted to be liked and accepted by people - but then it finally dawned on me that I am like Stinky Tofu. I am not easy to digest - and few can and want to deal with me. 

But there's nothing 'wrong' with that, is there? A stinky tofu, is a stinky tofu, is a stinky tofu.

Starting Work Tomorrow

All the stars have finally lined up in a way I am allowed to start work again. I feel nervous because I am rusty. What if I am no good?

I know the answers are never black or white - but sometimes, I just need some validation and need someone to tell me I will do just great.

Identity?

This question came up last week. I even asked out aloud - but the invitation to the discussion was drowned out by someone's personal concerns with their life. In her defense, she was going through a hard time.

What is identity? How deep does identity go? Does it go beyond our awareness or just until the edge of it? Can our identities be made of what we don't know of ourselves?

(This is a rather complex and philosophical question, but I want to give it a shot.)

Perhaps it is the boundary that our ego draws against other people's egos. Perhaps it is all we are and all we are not, within a shifting, messy outline. It contains what we know surely of ourselves and what we are in doubt with. It also contains the blind spots we have that we are unaware of. Identity is the boat that is sailing on our existential sense of consciousness. It includes what you are denying, because that denial is part of what exists for you - even if you might not be consciously aware of it.

So what is identity not?

Identity is not achievement or performance, though it can be tied to it. Identity is not outcome, though it most definitely influences how you react to it. It is not black nor is it white - it has the dimensions of space. Identity is not habit, it is what comes behind those habits - sometimes chosen consciously but many times stemming from a place we don't even know we have. Identity is not our behaviors, though it shapes our behavior. Identity can never be within any neat lines of self-concept. The self-concept is the aware part of our identity. Identity is the core of who we are - that draws a line that is the ego itself. Everything we experience is happening within the space of our identity. How we experience life is through the prism of our individual identities.

It is not touchable nor is it strategically alterable. It is like the water in a pond, that ripples when touched. It is where the seeds of our realizations are planted and bloom. Sometimes they are trees that will stay for years until we 'die', and sometimes they are just seasonal flowering plants. It is also the place where the broken glass of our notions fall into sharp, jagged pieces - when something we had internalized shatters into a place of cognitive dissonance.

Did you ever meet the cleaning ladies who comes to mop the pieces away? There are a few of them you might know; one of them is called Acceptance and another called Forgiveness. Forgiveness' twin sister is also a cleaning lady and her name is Grace. The head of these workers is Healing. She's the one who runs the cleaning department.

How can we become more in tune with our identities?

Through being painfully aware of everything, as much as possible. This is difficult - but it's the only way to start getting acquainted with it. It takes a while to come into the inner circle where identity starts conversing with you. It will not be your friend, but with practice it will become a wordless voice you will be able to hear. Communicating with your identity is like learning a new language, the dialect of silence.

Why should we even care?

Because everything related to you is related to identity. Everything. And every person cares about themselves. And if you are the sort of person who likes to live life to the fullest - you will need to knock on identity's door. It holds the key to your experience and, actually, your entire existence.

That's why.

Gone Exploring

Today I got lost while trying to find the HR Office and felt happy about it. I found a place on campus that I didn't even know existed. As panic called out to me, wonderment kept me grounded in the present. I don't know how long I walked - and I don't know how many steps I took that was away from where I was trying to go, but it didn't matter.

Blue Horse – By Mary Oliver

All I can do is tell you

by putting my own hunger on the page.

-"The Hummingbirds"

I stumbled on this book today and read all of the poems in it. Her poems are just lovely. I am in love with the horses like she is. My favorite poems in the book are ‘Hummingbirds’ and ‘Angels’. Both these poems are about how reality and illusion and the wonderment of the world are right here if we have the eyes to see them.

The (Lack of) Courage behind Confident Judgment

He spoke fluently, making his case on a research topic. There were many people who watched as the case for the research was made. I jotted down some pointers, all the while thinking what a phenomenal effort this presenter had put in – yet, somewhere I knew that I did not agree with the approach nor the context of their research proposed. I didn't admit this to myself openly, not even in my own mind. I felt that my thoughts were probably not ‘correct’, because this was a distinguished professor, who I respect very much.

I thought I might be too shallow to truly know the context. I wasn't ready to evaluate it. 

I didn't think of it much as I hurried to my next activity. I probably did what most people do when they are denying that subtle intuition – and turned away to get busy with the rest of my day. When I later spoke to the professor, he mentioned that a colleague he esteemed very highly said that it was a phenomenal effort, yet the person did not agree with the approach of the topic and gave some very valid reasons for it.  

Of course! There it was – relief of thinking that I did have a valid point to something I didn't even acknowledge for the fear of sounding silly to myself. 

It intrigues me that someone more distinguished can make such important claims, but I doubt the same judgment that comes from me because I am not ‘established’. Of course I would not communicate these thoughts to the presenter, because it is not my place to do so – but I could have at least acknowledged it to myself. 

It was a lesson in confidence. 

Next time I am busy gulping down water to forget the instinct that tries to drown out my judgment, I want to look closer. Perhaps I will come out a fool for not knowing better – and learn something, but pretending to agree because of authority structures is just weak integrity to oneself. 

Note to Self: The Sound of my Writing Voice

Since I am embarking on this journey I just want to write about how confused I am about which voice to use. I know what I am supposed to write because that is quite random and comes to me organically, but I am not always sure about the voice to use. I have various voices – but they don’t mesh well together. For example, one is a silly-look-at-me-rant-because-I-am-very-funny voice. This one has sparkle and is light to read. The other voice is more of a dark version; life-an-it’s-questions-that-take-me-deeper-deeper-deeper-til-I-am-tangled-in-a-poetic-rhythm sorts. And the other one is a okay-so-I-am-practical-ask-me-anything sort. It sounds like different people.

So, here I will go ahead and write in a random style about random topics – depending on my mood. The only consistent aspect will be how true each piece is, in itself. I will be flexible and explore my voice till it naturally develops. Because – this is a place of play. And a place I am allowed crappy writing.

Everything goes.

A Place of Play

Today I got over-charged for coffee and the servers were rude. I ran into a colleague-to-be at my new work place. I mailed a rant to a dear friend and then, before I knew it, I was creating this blog. I ran out of reasons not to write. A rather useless bout of courage has cropped up suddenly that needs to be used somehow.

I do not know what an appropriate way to start this blog would be, so I will start from nowhere particular. I have no concrete reason other than the fact that I want to start writing publicly and risk the artist in me. This space will be a place of unsystematic but organic evolution. Most days there won’t be any dazzling (nor diminutive) realizations to rant about – so it will be more about exploring questions that come up, unanswered yet.